It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one day like any other day, only shorter. -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

Chess tonight.

Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.

You're almost as happy as you think you are.

The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know. -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. -- Mark Twain

You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.

Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was. And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage on the credulity of human nature.

Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? A: God gave New Jersey first choice.

This was the most unkindest cut of all. -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"

Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb? A: A corpse.

You will gain money by a fattening action.

"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him. "Cabbages and potatoes are better for you and me." -- J. R. R. Tolkien

I dote on his very absence. -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"

You love peace.

Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Oh, and have a nice day! -- Bryce Nesbitt '84

You're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that you're growing into.

You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.

Make a wish, it might come true.

Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.

You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.

You are capable of planning your future.

Fine day for friends. So-so day for you.

There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.

You will forget that you ever knew me.

You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise salesman.

All generalizations are false, including this one. -- Mark Twain

Are you making all this up as you go along?

You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the department of transportation.

Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!". -- Shakespeare

Q: What's a light-year? A: One-third less calories than a regular year.

Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.

Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have to get back to you on that.

If you can read this, you're too close.

So this is it. We're going to die.

You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.

Q: Why haven't you graduated yet? A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted my dissertation to rhyme.

Chess tonight.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. -- Mark Twain

You will gain money by a fattening action.